"Are you ok? Why are you, err... So quiet?" I get that. A lot. Too many times that I might consider setting up a FAQ section for it. And I've cried countless of times because of the same particular question. So this post is dedicated to those who'd always wondered why.

It's 4am as I'm drafting this post on my phone, simply because I have too many thoughts and can't drift off to lalaland. Pearls of tears are starting to form up in my eyes as I try my best to hold them back. My nose is blocked, my throat is dry. I'm pondering, pondering hard on what kind of a person people I've met recently think I am like.

So yesterday I tweeted that I hate myself sometimes, and I didn't like being alone. I'm kinda surprised that I'm not the only person who felt that way (we all have our loserish times, don't we?). Well, everyone has got their own story. As for myself, I couldn't stand my awkward & quiet side; it's just.. Not who I am. It's not like I don't want to make friends. But I don't know why, I'll just stone when I meet new people. My brain that's usually full of nonsensical stuff suddenly can't process. I suddenly can't.. Talk. True story.

Ever since I entered poly, especially more evident from the past few weeks, it seems like the new friends I've made have their own small groups, own conversations. And no one seems to be interested in striking a conversation with me. Nobody is interested in adding me up on Facebook and Twitter either. They add the rest, but just not click "add" or "follow" when it comes to me. Much less mention me in their conversations, remember that I actually do exist, or even ask me out for outings. Is it that difficult? Is it because I'm too "quiet" that people shun me and think I'm boring? I suppose so. Well, welcome to my life.

Maybe I'll never make new friends in real life, especially when we're in big groups. Too many people want to voice out their opinions that my voice gets drowned by all of them. I try to avoid when we all get together, but why, you ask? Because you haven't been in my shoes, you don't know how helpless and bored I felt. I'm just wasting my time staring at people conversing about themselves. Who the heck wants to keep listening to others talking about their lives all the time? So escape seems to be the only route out without looking like a Forever Alone. To be completely honest, I think I'm starting to fear meeting new people.

A lot of my new "friendships" started kicking off from social media platforms, because slowly, ppl started to see that I'm not who they thought I am. Some even turned out awesomely well because as a social media addict, I tend to bring out my true side to people online. People love those, don't they. But sadly, it's not many of them.

To many, this will be a post they'll never read because they can't be bothered to do so. Or they probably didn't add me to notice this post in their timeline/newsfeed, much less notice that yes, I actually do have my own thoughts. To the rest reading this post, thank you for caring. I really did try to speak up, trust me. I can talk from day to night, just that probably the "feeling" with you just ain't comfortably right yet.

15 comments

  1. AIyoh, I didn't know you feel that way in school! OMG, I always thought that you are bubbly and friendly to everyone. :(

    But don't worry, it's nothing worth to be cried over. Everyone has their awkward times and feel left out every now and then but I guess it is more important for you to feel comfortable or rather, enjoy the alone times when you have them. Friends are not about quantity, it is the quality and those who treat you as friend would care. So why bother those who don't?

    I am also awkward with new people and really, it is quite depressing sometimes but I guess it comes to terms that I feel more comfortable alone than talking to people who doesn't want to talk me. :) *pats*

    JIAYOU JOEY!

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    1. :') Thank you for your comment! <3

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  3. Hey Joey,

    I know we're not that close, but I just wanna say, you don’t have to feel so down about yourself!! Dont hate yourself kay!! And try not to be depressed! My heart ache while reading that :(

    Haha maybe you're quiet at first in real life, but after following you on twitter & reading your blog, I got to know you as a very funny & talkative person! :D

    Chin up!! Anyway, having a few awesome friends is waay better than having lots of "hi-bye" fb friends :) Plus the good thing about being quiet IRL, is you'll know that the people who actually take the time to get to know you better will most probably be true friends!

    STAY AWESOME KAY!! :D

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    1. :') Thank you for your comment! <3

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  4. Hey. So long never spam you anywhere already. Got miss me not? I'm sure you know who am I right? :) <3 I know how you feel when everyone's in a group and you can't seem to talk to any one of them. But jiayou alright, I know you're that talkative and crazy girl underneath this quiet girl on th outside. People now just judge without knowing you well, and this just puts them at a disadvantage cause they just miss out on knowing a AWESOME and GREAT friend when they jus decide not to talk to you just cause youre quieter at first. You just need time to open up to people! :) stay strong, and don't cry anymore okay? I'll try to spam you when I'm free. When school work's not killing me! Jiayou! I'm always here for you, a text/call away. Whichever you like. ^^ love you loads, and see you soon alright!

    JIAYOU AND BE CRAZY AND MISS ME!
    <3, your secret admirer, F. ;DD

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    1. Hahaha I know who you are! :') Thank you for your comment! <3

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  5. Hi hi this is random but can i ask where you get your pink envelope laptop case? :D

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    1. Hahahaha, at Bagage! I got it at their FEP outlet but they shifted so I don't know where now :(

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  6. HI JIA JIA! I just wanted to say that i have never forget the times with you during secondary school, and i cherish it alot. altogether we might be in the same school now, but it seems we hardly talk to each other. oh wells, meet up soon and pour out your troubles, i am willing to hear your views and share my views. contact me ok?! (: imy & ily. <3 hehe

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    1. Hahahaha HI MIN MIN! :') Thank you for your comment! <3

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  7. Posting this post itself shows how courageous, brave and awesome you are. Don't think about others' judgment and lead you the life you want. BUT FOR THE START MAYBE WE CAN START OFF BY YOU TALKING FOR TTHE WHOLE TWO HOUR THE NEXT TIME WE MEET HAHAHAHAHA YOU NEEDA UPDATE ME WITH YOUR LIFE MANNNNZXCZXCZXC

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  8. everyone has this feeling all the time, I can talk like mad with my friends but suddenly become very quiet when strangers came :) guess you are not the only one who is awkward with strangers!

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    1. Yeah, I guess all of us have our low times. Thank you so much for your comment! :)

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